After work we did our usual thing, fed and walked the dogs. It was too hot today to walk Jake, he's just getting old-old and frail, and walking in this weather wipes him out, and he's too heavy to carry, so he got to stay home.
Walking in this weather is still good for me and the dogs, but I did not enjoy it. By the time I got home I was dripping in sweat. I give the lie to the saying that "women don't sweat, they glow." I plain out sweat until I have it running down my face, down the back of my neck, and everywhere else it possibly can. Even Ginger, who ordinarily wishes we could walk for 5 miles, looked sort of faded by the time we got back.
I've come to the unfortunate conclusion that I need to see both my therapist and Dr. Feelgood, the pill pusher. Even though I'm working as hard as I can to stay positive, my mood is just spiraling down. Really dark thoughts are a daily thing, and I feel increasingly reluctant to do things that ordinarily I would enjoy. I haven't been able to read a book in weeks, I just pick through old favorites, reading a bit here and there, because I can't concentrate enough to follow a longer story. I even got a mystery by an author I like the other day, and after the first two chapters, I thought, "Screw this, I don't even care." But I did care enough to turn to the last three chapters and read them, so I can tell I'm not in the pit of depression!
Trying to look at the positives, at least now when I start feeling like this, I recognize the symptoms for what they are. Years ago, when every sad story on the radio made me think, "Everything sucks so bad that it would be better if we were all dead," I thought the problem was that the world sucked. It doesn't exactly make me laugh, but I can appreciate the absurdity of some of my reactions now.
We leave on vacation next week, so I'll hold off on the therapist until we get back, but I think I'll call Dr. F and see if I can tweak my doses, an oz. of prevention and all that.
On a bright note - we planted some flowers this weekend, and the ones we planted several weeks ago all look great. The yard is really beautiful. When I consider that when we moved in almost 11 years ago, it was full of wild grape vine, ivy, sticker bushes, and weed trees, I appreciate how pleasant it is now, and feel a bit pleased at how our hard work has paid off.