21 June, 2014

I love the idea of permaculture but certain Permaculture Gurus make me nuts

“Hey. Hey! I’m Saul Wheeton. I would like some people to come work on my farm, my land. It’s MINE, so I get to make up all the rules and tell everyone what they can do and how they can live here, but I want some people to come work with for me. Some people might want to come and be my field hands. I will give you a place to pitch your tent or tipi, and sometimes I might even let you use some of my electricity, but only if I feel like it.
I won’t be paying your for your labor. Some people who have real actual skills that I need desperately will only have to pay me a little money to live in a tent on my (my!) property, but average wwoofer types, dirty hippies, and poor young farmer-wanna-bes will have to scrape up some money to pay me to work on my (mine!) farm. Because it’s mine and because I want to make some money to further my (!) plans for permaculture heaven on earth.
I like kids, but don’t like them enough for you to bring your little darlings onto the property that belongs to (!) me, so if you have children under the age of 18, you should stay off my property and on someone else’s. Because if you have to watch the fruit of your loins, you won’t be toiling away on my land with all your might. And you and your kids might eat so much food you wind up being a net cost to me and that would not be good, because my plans for world domination would be slowed down by your and your stupid kids. So…only childless people or people who are willing to leave their kids with someone else while they indenture themselves to me, Saul Wheeton.
Some people may want to not come live and slave for me, but those same someones might want to send me some money or some seeds or tools that they paid for. That way I wouldn’t have to deal with some people’s needs, just with their goods and cash. That is easier for me and more convenient. Cash only please, no checks.
I have been talking about my plans for the Wheeton Labor Camp for years and finally bought my land last year. Many people thought they would help me, but when I let them know all the rules about how they could not do anything without my say-so, some people decided not to come. Why is that? Don’t they understand that this land that is mine is MINE and I get to be the Decider and the Rule Maker? That will make sure that everything works smooth and we don’t have any disagreements. Because if you don’t agree with ME you can leave (and leave your money) and then Wheeton Labor Camp will be peaceful. Whee!
I talk a lot about naming things at the WLC, but I actually spend most of my time standing around in overalls and flip-flops, asking questions, making videos, and talking about how awesome permaculture is. Permaculture is awesome, especially as practiced by me because I have based everything I know on the work of my heroes Acht Holder and Jeff Aussie. They have actually been doing work in permaculture, but I have learned a lot from them so I too am an expert. I also know a lot about computers, so GO ME. If you disagree with me I know how to lock you out of the www, so consider that before you say anything less than complimentary about Saul Wheeton. I like people who like to agree with what I say.
So, if you know some child-free people with money who want to come live in a tent on my land and eat my food in return for hard labor, tell them all about how I would be happy to be their Permaculture Overlord. But only if they will work hard and give me their money. I don’t need freeloaders who want to be paid!"

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