19 December, 2013

Peter Jackson thinks he could have written The Hobbit better than that old Tolkien guy

Toni, Teri, and I went to see the hilariously named Hobbit movie, The Desolation of Smaug. To call that name inappropriate is understating the situation. Smaug is on screen less than 45 minutes of a 2 hour, 45 minute movie and there is Not So Much desolation. Admittedly, there is a sad moment when our Dwarves (Thorin and Co.) find the charred and mummified bodies of their dead kinsmen in a caved in tunnel in the Lonely Mountain. It was one of the only touching moments in an otherwise slapstick movie.

Because I am only human, may I just say in regards to Lee Case as the Elven King of Mirkwood, that he is smokin’ hot. Chilly, selfish, manipulative, and arrogant, yes. But smokin’! I think my underpants caught on fire when he was on screen.

But back to the actual plot of the movie, it was a nice little story that sort of reminds me of the book. Loosely based on the book? There are new characters. Some plot lines that came directly from the febrile mind of Peter Jackson…like the elf warrior Tauriel who falls in something-like-love with Kili in the 15 minutes they know each other, while Legolas stands around looking pouty, because he has a 600 year old crush on her. To which I say, “Suck it Legolas, you had your chance. If after 600 years, you didn’t make your move, you gotta expect the short man to crash in and sweep her off her feet  
save her from the spider 
get saved by her and then flirt over a rock. It was bound to happen, because Kili was the definitely the most handsome of the dwarfs. Or at least the one whose hair wouldn’t make a girl break down in giggles.

This movie has 2045 times the amount of Orcs and Wargs than the book had. You can’t shoot an arrow without hitting an Orc in the eye. It’s like this eldritch power they have…an arrow flies and bing! an Orc is standing with his eye right in front of it.
Bard the Bowman was actually a very good character, based on a character who was actually (!) IN the book. I was excited about that, although I wish he hadn’t spent all his screen time looking so worried. But then again, Bard has Stephen Fry and some nameless character in a ridiculous hat dogging him all the time, while his kids stood around shouting, “Da! Da! There are spies watching the house and Orcs dropping out of the ceiling, and we haven’t even SHOT our bows yet! Da!” That is all very worrying.
Desolation - Bard the Bowman
The Master of Lake Town and his nameless stooge.
Mad props to the CGI people who created Smaug. He looks gooood. Not as good as Lee Case (must make that clear, Lee Case is the prettiest thing in this movie), but super serpentine and lizardly. He moves like I believe dragons would move, if they just happened to be living in my local deserted treasure hoard.
Considering that the movie is called The Hobbit, and in the book it is all told through the eyes of Bilbo Baggins, our movie Bilbo didn’t have a lot to do. He ringed up (yes, THAT ring) and became invisible a few times, killed some spiders, hissed, “Mine!” in a very Gollum-like manner, talked to Smaug, and had the last line in the film, “What have we done?” Good question Mr. Baggins, good question.
The one thing about the movie that made me really mad, much madder than making up characters who were not in the book, was that they completely got Beorn wrong. Read the damn book Mr. Jackson. Beorn was dangerous, but he was not mean. I missed the scene where Bilbo and Gandalf get Beorn to offer hospitality to them, and then the Dwarves just keep popping up two or three at a time, like rabbits out of a hat, and Beorn accepts them too. He could have spent ten minutes on that by cutting one scene with the fake white Orc!
Despite the fact that I am kvetching, I will definitely go see part three of the film. Got to see how if Kili and Tauriel wind up putting in any sheet time (wink, wink, nudge, nudge), and how the kids and their Da, Bard, survive when a very angry Smaug pays a visit.
Oh, and one more thing, SUCK IT Peter Jackson. I grew up pronouncing the name of the dragon as Smog...and that is how I will always pronounce it. And Pluto is SO a planet!!!

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